I see Rebbe Reichman quite infrequently of late. This just makes the times when I do see him more special. This year, as in years past, I prayed Yom Kippur davening in the Shenk shul at YU. I enjoy this davening because the tunes are beautiful, and the davening is heartfelt. I also enjoy looking up at the old stained glass when things get too intense. Despite the patched holes, the glass is still quite beautiful. Rebbe Reichman usually leads Mincha davening on Yom Kippur at Schenk. In fact, he roves around YU alot throughout the holiday, reminding me of the description of the Kohen Gadol during the Avodah, rushing back and forth, in radiant white, with a purposeful, yet relaxed look on his face. This year, we had a 15 minute pre-mincha break. I chose to take a walk down toward Amsterdam with a friend, to clear my head and get some air, in preparation for Round Three (four?). I felt him before I saw him. Rebbe came walking across 185th actually looking like a Kohen Gadol, and when he saw me, he smiled, and gave a little "ah" of recognition (always music to my ears). I walked with him to Mincha, and enjoyed his innovations on last year's tunes. One thing which I always get alot of benefit from is the way Rebbe does every single Al Chet out loud, and with feeling. Certain ones, such as "sinat chinam," and kibbud av, he does with extra feeling and sometimes a tear in his voice. This always breaks my heart. I'm not quite sure why. Yet its the reason I decided to write this post. I think the reason it shakes me up so much to hear Rebbe cry during the Al Chets, is because I can't help think to myself "wow. If Rebbe feels remorse over these, I'm going straight to hell". In reality, perhaps Rebbe is acting remorsefully as a Shaliach of the kahal, but I don't think its just that.
Anyways, from Mincha, I moved with Rebbe to Neilah, at the Rubin Shul, carrying his glasses, and a sheet with the names and faces of captive or wounded Israeli soldiers. I enjoy this minyan for Neilah because there are elderly people present-- and I'm talking OLD. There is one old man, who uses this Machzor that he's probably been using for 60 years. It is so incredibly inspiring to see him flip the well-worn pages (which are barely attached!), and say Neilah. How much meaning Yom Kippur must have for someone in their 80's or 90's-- I can't imagine. It's very special, and important, for me to daven in a minyan of mixed ages, and a shame that YU doesn't mix it up a bit more somehow, though I understand why its logistically impossible.
On the way, we discussed the purpose of Neilah and Yom Kippur generally. Rebbe remarked (from my nutrient-starved memory), that built into the whole concept of teshuva and forgiveness is that we try our best, and G-d understands this, and knows this, and forgives us despite our imperfections. Before Neilah, Rebbe gave a small speech to the Nusach Sephard minyan, and he echoed the same thoughts. He broke down a bit when he relayed the same message in front of the crowd, and later during the service, towards the end, during the point in Neilah when it discusses our imperfections and nothingness before G-d. This was incredibly powerful for me, and is one of the reasons I love Rebbe so much. His understanding and sensitivity about the depth of suffering and striving in this world, sensitivity to the pain and struggle that regular humans, and especially those humans trying to live a holy life, go through, is exceptional, and deep. If I had to guess, this is probably why alot of the RRRR enjoys being with Rebbe. I'm not sure why, but he understands brokenness, and his empathy is off the charts.
I always feel like Neilah with Rebbe achieves something in the world, and it certainly makes a lasting mark on me. His cries on Neilah echo through my heart during moments of genuine prayer throughout the entire year.
I bless us all with a happy, healthy and successful new year.
